Memoirs of a Muggleborn Witch
by tribebohemian
Summary: AU. a story that follows Lily's beginning... and end. on hiatus.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

Strange, the things one thinks of when she comes to the end of her life. Some people can only focus on the bad occurrences, others the good. There are the few who tend to go back to the beginning... as though they're simply trying to make sense of it all. I suppose I can be lumped in with the latter. I too wish I could understand how it came to this. Or at least find some way to validate this short life of mine. What have I learned? What have I contributed to this world? How will I be remembered? Will any piece of me carry on?

My name is Lily and I'm a muggle-born witch. This of course was a fact kept from me and my unsuspecting family. We always knew I was different but we hadn't a clue as to why. Mum and Dad just called me their special girl. My elder sister Petunia was determined to find a name for my unique condition. Four years ahead, Pet was my idol and confidante. As a child she was everything I strived to be: intelligent, level headed, practical, charming and most of all **normal**. She had the prettiest blond hair and the most elegant stature. 'The neck of a swan', my Mum used to say.

With a head full of stick straight, fiery red hair, a face of scattered freckles and the most attention grabbing, sour apple green eyes, I was as awkward as a platypus. Pet did her best to make up for the teasing I received at school. Always comforting me by twisting my hair into pretty plaits and promising I would grow out of my knobby limbs. Late at night I would crawl into bed with her and we would giggle about the boys who circled her at school. She was my one true comfort.

By the time I was eight my accidental magic was extraordinary and Pet was convinced it must be some form of telekinesis. She tried to talk our parents into sending me to a specialist. But I think it was easier for them to believe I was simply different. The last thing they wanted was for their youngest child to become some experiment in a government lab.

I came home from school crying many times and after Mum and Dad promised me it was nothing to be ashamed of, I would seek out my sister's comforting arms.

"I turned her hair blue Pet! **blue**! No one can prove it was me but I know I did it. She wouldn't let me go to the ladies. Some of the boys are calling me a witch!"

"Shhh, shhh." She smoothed my hair. "Don't think on it. You're not anything as demonic as a witch. Not with your sweet disposition. Don't you pay those ill-mannered boys any mind. I've been reading about this and what you've got is no different than those people who can see the future, or start fires spontaneously. It's a mental condition that can be cured through proper therapy. You simply need the right training and it will go away. I'm sure of it."

Oh how I wanted her to be right.

The arrival of my Hogwarts letter brought **very** mixed emotions. Pet near screamed the house down when the owl who delivered it pecked at her hair for a treat. My parents whom I expected to be disappointed or at the very least, shocked, were delighted. My rare childhood condition had a name and their suspicions of my being some rare breed were confirmed. To them I was an even more precious jewel.

Pet, on the other hand, was shocked and near disgusted. Of all the things I could be, a witch apparently ranked the worst and lowest in her eyes. I suppose I never got over the fear and disillusionment in her pretty blue eyes. That was the beginning of an impassable gap in our relationship.

My first year at Hogwarts was more than an eye opener. I knew even less about the wizarding world than the average muggle-born. Lucky for me I was a quick learner and what I learned was that this world wasn't much different than the one I'd come from. Only now the prejudices were different. I was no longer teased about my odd abilities but of my parentage. My carrot red tresses and blotchy freckles still called negative attention. Now that I was learning the skills, I considered changing them. But my instilled pride wouldn't allow it.

My determination to prove others wrong in their unfair judgements of me proved to my benefit. I was a talented little witch. My thirst for knowledge not only got me sorted into Ravenclaw but it quickly put me at the top of my class... grade wise. My first and best friend in the wizarding world was Alice Cloverwood. A pretty little Hufflepuff with dark curls and round flushed cheeks that reminded me of tomatoes. We bonded in History of Magic. Though she wasn't a pure blood, Alice knew little of the muggle world and found me fascinating in a sense. I must say she was one of the most adventurous Hufflepuffs I'd ever meet. A truer friend one couldn't have.

I'll never forget the first time I laid eyes on Severus Snape. A more surly looking boy you'd never see. His lanky hair fell just above his ears and his little mouth wore a practiced expression caught between irritated and yet amused. His skin was paler than mine as though he never spent a moment outside. From far away it resembled parchment but up close I found it to be quite fair. He regarded everything with a mild disdain and but in those days there was a bit of hope there as well. And his eyes... darker eyes I never did see. I suppose it's safe to say that I liked Severus Snape right away. Not that he ever shared a kind word with me. As a Slytherin he was expected to feud with the Gryffindors... a tradition I guess. Being in Ravenclaw kept me off his radar for the most part. But being a muggle-born left me open to public scorn from the Slytherins. Since it was common knowledge that most of them were pure bloods themselves.

My first crush was Remus Lupin. Gryffindor and patron saint of patience. He wasn't bothered by petty house rivalries like the others. Our friendship began after I found him crying in the green houses one afternoon. I thought he'd been beaten up since he was covered in fresh scratches and seemed to be in pain. It wasn't rare for first years (even the Gryffindor ones) to be used as punching bags. He had other scars that made me believe the abuse was chronic. He wouldn't tell me who had done it, only that he hated the way they made him look. Which was absurd since he was one of the handsomest boys I'd ever seen. Dirty blond locks that fell over amber eyes in the most becoming way with a lovely smile to match. Many afternoons were spent just the two of us talking about everything and nothing. Most of his crying was done after the full moon though it would be another few years before I noticed.

My first few holidays away from Hogwarts were a bit of a culture shock. Pet would have little to do with me, something I wouldn't stop crying about until third year. My parents, though still encouraging and loving, began to feel like strangers. For the next six years I would spend a total of 13 months with my family. I was at school ten months of the year learning to master something they couldn't even comprehend. I would spend fewer and fewer holidays home with my family as time went on choosing instead to board at school or with friends.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

For two years I adjusted and spread my wings as a witch. Third year I began to butt heads with Remus's 'friends', James Potter and Sirius Black. Both good looking, popular and arrogant as Hippogriffs. I didn't like them off the bat because they reminded me of those awful boys who tormented me in primary school. But mostly I'll admit it was because of their taunting Severus. I hexed Sirius' lips shut one day and gave him horns for making up the awful nickname 'Snivelus'. It would be years before he figured out it was me.

Fourth year I finally made the connection between Remus's scars and the full moon. We learned about Werewolves the year before. I was afraid to mention it seeing as he kept it as a closely guarded secret. Instead I sought out a way to help him. Which is how I finally came to having a conversation with the infamous Severus Snape.

Up until then he'd spoken less than three words to me. I went to him for potions' help. Not that I had trouble with them myself, but it was well known that he excelled in them. I wanted to make something to help with Remus's scarring each month. And to make his recovery less painful. Werewolves are unfortunately allergic to many basic pain killers and healing droughts.

At first Severus outright rebuffed my attempts at conversation. Looking down his long nose at me with disinterest and indifference (a perfected look). It took nearly three tedious weeks of me dogging his steps before he would even consent to acknowledge my lowly presence. Did I mention that **snobs** are an even greater occurrence in the wizarding world? Admittedly I could have figured out some sort of concoction for Remus on my own (in time) but this was too good an opportunity to pass up. When else would I ever have a legit reason to speak to Severus?

Finally I got his attention and he found my request for assistance intriguing and the least bit flattering. So began our tentative acquaintance. While it was clear he was still insulted by my parentage, he managed to keep the common, derogatory comments to himself. Lucky for me he couldn't find anything lacking in my intelligence which I think helped. That didn't keep him from insulting other aspects of my physical being. Well cloaked of course. Sometimes it was difficult to tell whether or not I **had** been insulted. Clever prat that he was.

It took us nearly three months to perfect the base and then another five weeks to create the right mixture that would not only decrease scarring but help with pain. I believe my request for such an odd potion intrigued him. I wouldn't give him any names but he had his suspicions. I like to believe we became friends during that time, Severus and me. I use that term loosely of course. At least now he would answer me in the halls with a nod and a courteous, "Miss Evans" to my "Hello Severus".

We'd completed our task just before Valentine's in which I gladly presented my gift to Remus on the next full moon. Deer in the head lights doesn't cover his reaction. I'm surprised he didn't break out running. Considering the prejudice against dark creatures I wasn't surprised and did everything in my power to express that my own feelings were only of a positive nature. Never a more grateful person will you ever see. I couldn't dream of a better wizard on which to bestow my kindness. Remus and I were very close friends from that day on. And at the end of the year, he was my very first kiss.

By Fifth year I'd liked to say that I'd finally... well not quite 'blossomed' but my petals had started to open at least. My dreadful freckles had begun to fade leaving a fairly smooth complexion behind. I couldn't **be** more pleased. My hair, though still very red and would never hold so much as a wave, was longer and more manageable. Alice said when I parted it to the side, it gave me a air of sophistication. Being a lovely looking young witch herself, I took her words to heart.

Remus's initial attentions... a bit of hand holding and a few flushed kisses... tampered off with little explanation. The reasoning, it became clear after several weeks to everyone who bothered to pay attention, was that his best mate James had taken a liking to me. Imagine; James Potter, the arrogant prat fancying me, a mere mudblood. What a laugh. Though despite my dislike for him, I had to admit it was flattering. He could have very well become my next crush... if only he'd learnt to keep he mouth shut.

Severus decided he would extend the hand of friendship to me... or at least accept mine and we made a habit of studying together on a regular basis. The summer had not been kind to him and he looked even worse for the wear. I wanted to ask but he made it very clear that his home life was to never be up for discussion. One afternoon after we'd witnessed James and Sirius mouthing off to some Hufflepuffs, I referred to the be-speckled bully as "the sand in the chewing gum of life".

Severus graced me with one of his rare (like unicorn blood rare) smiles. "What did you say?"

I blushed. "It's what my sister Pet used to call the boys who picked on me in school."

"Are the two of you close? You never speak of her."

"We used to be." I answered quietly.

"She's a muggle?" I nodded. "And she has a problem with your **not** being one."

I shrugged. "I think it was easier when she thought I could be cured."

"Cured." Severus scoffed. "Your parents?"

"Oh, they're very supportive." I assured sensing a dark mood coming on. "They tend to think of my magic as a special talent or something."

"Indeed." He shook his head, lanky hair brushing his shoulders. "Something should be done about muggle-borns."

"Excuse me?"

"I mean about integrating them into our world. The majority have never even heard of magic, outside of fairy tales, before they receive their Hogwarts letters. Then they're simply thrown into this world and expected to catch up with other wizards who have been learning all this from the moment they could breathe."

"True." I nodded thinking of my own acclamation.

"Then on holidays you're sent home to families who have never met another of your kind. How are you meant to mix in both worlds? Magic isn't some quirk you're born with... it's who you are. Are you expected to simply ignore it when you're not here?"

"There are muggles out there who are accepting of their children's gifts Severus." I pointed out. "My parents are quite proud and brought me to Diagon Alley every year for my school supplies until I was old enough to go on my own. Dad even keeps a sack of galleons and knuts for emergencies."

"They're the exception. Most muggles aren't fit to raise a magical child. Have you any idea how many muggle-borns are despised because of who they are?"

Thinking of the prejudices I faced in school everyday I simply rolled my eyes. "I have a pretty good idea." At his shrewd look I redirected. "So what do you think should be done with us poor, maladjusted muggle-borns? Since you're so clever."

"You should be taken and placed in full wizarding homes at birth."

His tone was so unnaturally light hearted that it took me a second or two to realize he wasn't kidding. "You're serious?" He nodded. "Take us from our parents just because they are unable to do magic?"

Another nod. "Who better to raise a magical child then a couple who are capable of it themselves. No more of this traipsing from one world to the next. Not only is it confusing and unfair to the wizard or witch in question but it's also a security risk for the secrecy of our world. What if your sister, who clearly despises what you are, decided to spread your..." He paused. "**incurable** condition to the muggle authorities?"

"Aside from being laughed at and locked away in a padded room?" I snapped back. "And she doesn't despise me."

"Of course she doesn't." He countered, his tone dripping in sarcasm. "I'm assuming that the rift between the two of you has nothing to do with the fact that you can give her a fancy pair of antlers with the flick of a small wooden stick."

"I can't believe your nerve!"

"Tell me I'm wrong."

"You're wrong." I snarled. "what gives you the right to decide whether or not a couple are capable of loving and raising a child who is different than they are? I have no complaints. If I had been placed with a wizarding family at birth, it has no true bearing on whether I'd be a better person than I am now. I may have been more knowledgeable but who's to say I would have been loved? My parents at least gave me that and it's far more important to me than they're sparse knowledge of wizarding culture. What right have you to judge muggles like my sister for their fear and ridicule when you pure bloods are just as guilty of it? I've experienced as much prejudice here as I did out there... if not more. At least **they** have they're ignorance as a reason for their lack of understanding. You have no such excuse which makes it all the more pathetic." By now my cheeks I'm sure were glowing and Severus seemed taken aback by my outburst.

He finally conceded with a nod. "Touche'."

Knowing this was the closest to an apology I'd ever receive from him, I nodded as well and swallowed back my annoyance. In a lighter tone I continued. "I do find it hypocritical... the dislike of muggles, considering their importance to magic."

"How so?" His raised an eyebrow in genuine curiosity.

"Well, a muggle couple can give birth to a witch or wizard, right? How is that? There's no knowledge of wizardry in my lineage, so where did my genes come from?" His confused expression (another rarity) prompted me further. "Take pure bloods. It's been proved that they're producing more and more squibs each generation because of their inbreeding. So who's more powerful? My parents for creating a magical being out of absolutely nothing, or someone like... well the Malfoys?" I almost said Black or Potter but wanted to avoid a distracting argument. "Two wizards having a wizard isn't anything special... if anything it's expected that the baby will be as powerful as it's parents. But we muggle-borns..." I smirked. "Now **that's** power."

"Sacrilege." Severus scoffed but I could tell he found my logic amusing.

"It poses the theory that magic just might originate from muggles entirely."

"I'm not listening to this drivel."

I chuckled. "If muggles can create magic without any prior history of it, I'd say they're far more important than the purest of wizards in our world and inter..." Pausing for the correct word. "racial, I guess, breeding is the best way to strengthen our world for generations to come."

By now Severus had a slight flush on his cheeks and I laughed to see him so flustered. "Lily Evans," He shook his head and narrowed his dark eyes at me. "It's scandalous the things you say."

I must say, despite his prejudices and sour demeanor, I was quite taken with one Severus Snape. By Christmas I think it was safe to say he was taken with me as well. Unable to wait any longer and willing to risk his utter disgust, I kissed in him in the library as we put away our books. I'll never forget the complete befuddled look on his face. Pleasant surprise warred with suspicion and mistrust before I slipped in for a second.

I suppose in hindsight I might have told him how I felt about him before daring such a physical declaration. Or at the very least picked a far more private spot. We were interrupted by a few sixth year Gryffindors who seemed to have made it their lives mission to make war with every Slytherin on the planet. If the immediate teasing wasn't enough, Severus seemed to think I was in on it. That my kiss was nothing more than a way to poke fun at his awkwardness. After trading a couple hexes with the others, he ran out of there, leaving me with no time to give an explanation.

It was all over the school by the end of morning classes the next day. How something as innocent as a kiss could turn out so bad, I had no idea. Never had I hated house rivalries more than that day. Severus refused to speak to me and sent more than one letter back to me in flames. James, feeling as though his territory was in danger of being pillaged, took it upon himself to make Severus' life absolutely miserable. Honestly, he might have saved more energy and time if he's simply urinated in a circle around me like some mutt.

After countless attempts to apologize, I gave up. Severus and I weren't simply back to non speaking terms... he was down to looking at me with pure loathing. Never had he been so hateful and he knew all the right buttons to push. I didn't think I'd ever forgive **him** for his awful, unnecessary insults and actions. Such is the life of a teenager. Wizard or not. It was another two years before he and I shared a civil word.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

In the meantime I still had Alice and Remus as my close confidantes, though I missed a certain someone's dark humor and brooding brow. Determined to show this unbalanced world that a muggle-born was just as talented, if not better, I did little else but study. I would settle for nothing less than an E in all my O.W.Ls (and damned if I didn't succeed).

The next year I found Severus's presence quite difficult to ignore (despite my solemn vow to do so) for we shared several N.E.W.T classes together. Still, despite how many times Slughorn partnered us, he maintained his icy silence, as did I. By November James seemed to realize that I didn't respond to his macho bravado like the other girls and went for another tactic. He attempted to be polite. Nothing much for the average Englishman but for James... it was a complete overhaul.

Admittedly, I was taken aback, which also gave me room to reconsider my opinion of him. Alice encouraged the match, but taking the fact that she'd fancied James since second year, her opinion was a bit biased. Remus, as James's dear mate wasn't any better. Looking for a true reflection of the boy, I allowed Mr. Potter to 'court' me. In the loosest sense of the word. I merely tolerated his presence and refrained from walking away when he approached. Oh the sarcasm... I dearly missed Severus.

I will say this much for James... he was certainly capable of being charming when he wanted to. With his whispering endearments and pleasant attention I felt like the prettiest rose in summer. Still, through out the entire year we did nothing more than study, go to Hogsmeade, walk, talk, laugh or spend casual time together. He reached for my hand on several occasions and even tried to put his arm around my shoulders a few times, but I always moved just out of range. I do believe he thought me a tease and was spurred on by it. That Summer holiday he wrote me twice a week. So did Sirius and Peter Pettigrew (the fourth Marauder), egging me on to give their mate a chance. Remus, thankfully, wrote once every fortnight and only to see how my holiday was faring. Between them and Alice, Mum suggested opening an Owlery. Good thing Pet had her own flat. I can just imagine the screeching.

Their tenacity paid off for I finally agreed to spend the last month of summer with Alice's family. She was now seeing Frank Longbottom, a Gryffindor and a good friend of James's. This meant I saw a great deal of Mr. Potter and his companions. We certainly had fun those last few weeks before school started... had a bit of adventure while we were at it. Quidditch games, fairs, concerts in Diagon Alley... I can honestly say that by September, the Marauders had won me over.

The start of Seventh year saw me in the company of James quite often. I relented to the hand holding and even allowed him a few breath taking kisses. Everyone would refer to us as an item but I never saw it that way. Sure I liked James but I hadn't consented to being his girlfriend. At least not yet. Though I'll admit I was smitten with Mr. Potter.

That December, seemingly for no reason at all, Severus acknowledged my presence once more with a courteous "Miss Evans", in Arithmancy. I near fell off my stool the first time it happened. But I kept my cool and answered with my customary "Severus". From there our relationship picked up without preamble or explanation. Our new found friendship would have given Sirius an excuse to execute Severus on a daily basis had I not threatened to hex his bollocks off. I was pleased to see that James seemed to have lost a taste for tormenting Severus sometime ago.

Alice and Frank were engaged that March and I couldn't be happier for my friend though my own goals were loftier than marriage. I hoped to get a job at the Ministry. Bring some reform to our world in the area of Muggle/Wizard relations. Especially now with word about some wizard gone dark, reeking havok and tormenting muggles as a matter of principle.

In May James asked me to bond with him... then proceeded to curse everything and everyone in his path as he stomped off. I hadn't wanted to hurt him but there was no way I was ready to accept his hand. It was far too soon. I was only seventeen. I wanted to accomplish a few things before I started a family. Not to mention that I had **yet** to fall in love. Didn't that matter at all? James was wonderful and funny and he made me feel all tingly inside and I fancied him rotten. But love...?

He was kind enough not to hold it against me, after his initial tantrums at least. Sirius advocated for his heartbreak and swore that he spent all his time in the dorms moping and drowning his sorrows in firewhiskey. Despite this storm cloud in what was once paradise, the weeks leading up to N.E.W.Ts were quiet and passed quickly.

Graduation dawned clear with a picturesque sky. Some kids were getting straight on the train afterwards while others were staying in Hogsmeade for the numerous celebrations. I knew Severus would be leaving right away and searched in vain through the crowd to say my farewell. We hadn't had a chance to speak at all in the last couple weeks with all the testing going on. I just knew this would be my last chance to ever see him again. Just when I'd given up on spotting his lanky head of hair, he found me.

"There you are." I smiled. "Thought you were leaving without saying goodbye."

"No." He gave a small shake of his head and studied the graduation cap in his hands. "I gather you'll be staying in Hogsmeade tonight with your friends."

I nodded. "And you'll be leaving for London. When do your Mastery classes begin?"

"August... for those taking a break."

"Which you're not."

A small smirk. "No. I start next week. Just enough time to get organised."

"Where will you be staying? Surely it's too far to commute from home."

"A boarding house for apprentices."

"Well then..." I paused somewhat at a loss. I wasn't sure of what I wanted to say to Severus. Though whatever it was, it would never be enough. "I hope all goes well for you. Maybe I'll run into you in London sometime."

"Maybe." There was an unusual warmth in those dark eyes of his that made my heart skip a beat. "I wish you the very best Miss Evans... Lily." He finished softly.

The next moment I was debating giving him a hug and then he was leaning in to kiss me gently. The brush of his lips to mine was so soft I nearly missed it. There was no way, however, that I could miss the spike of my pulse at that minute contact. We shared a look that in my memory could have moved landscapes... and then he was gone.

Alice dragged me along to make our rounds at the various parties going on, finally settling at Hinkypunks. At the time it was **the** hot spot for the young wizarding crowd. James was oddly quiet and I worried that perhaps he was still upset with me. My fears proved unfounded when he asked if I wanted to go somewhere quiet to talk. 'Somewhere quiet' turned out to be a room upstairs that Sirius had apparently booked in the hopes of getting lucky.

"With whom?" I asked playfully. "I haven't seen him with anyone since Naomi Truett, unless you count Remus. My sympathies for the girl, whoever she may be."

"Sirius not to your tastes?"

"Well," I circled my surroundings aimlessly. "He's certainly handsome and gifted and all that but... he's lacking something fundemental."

"Such as?" James watched my progress around the room with amusement.

"Oh I don't know... common sense perhaps." We both laughed. "I'm kidding. I don't know what it is. Guess I can't put a name on it."

Sitting himself in an easy chair James quirked an eyebrow at me. "Do I have this fundemental trait?"

"You know you do." I countered quickly. "I already said it wasn't about you James. You're wonderful... I'm just not ready to be married."

"I know, I know." He gave a nod of concession.

"Who knows how I'll feel in a couple years." I stopped circling the room as I was starting to get a bit light headed. "Or how you'll feel. Two years from now you may be thanking me for letting you make a lucky escape."

"I highly doubt that Lily."

I smiled awkwardly at his odd tone before sitting on the edge of the bed. "Well then I guess we'll just have to wait and see what..." My breath caught in my throat for no apparent reason and I had to shrug off a strange fluttery sensation in my stomach. "...what happens."

"You alright?"

"Yeah," I nodded though my skin had broken out in gooseflesh. "Just a tad dizzy."

He sat beside me on the bed and put a wrist to my forehead. "You're a bit warm." A strange pause. "Maybe you ought to lie back for a bit."

"It's nothing so serious, I'm sure." I answered weakly though by now my head was spinning and my heart rate had increased tenfold by his proximity. "Nothing a sobering charm won't cure." James now had an arm around my shoulders with his other hand tracing my thigh and I thought I might pass out from the heat. "I should..." warm breath on my neck made me gasp. "...go."

"It'll be alright." He whispered and then kissed my cheek tenderly. "I'll look after you." Another kiss to my ear. "I'd never let anything bad happen to you Lily."

Suddenly my brain caught up with my body's reactions and I pulled away sharply to look at him. "James?" His pupils had dilated so greatly that only a rim of his hazel irises were visible. His skin was flushed and glowing and I could practically **hear** his heart racing. It was obvious that whatever was running through my blood stream had tainted his as well. "What did you do?" I asked in a fearful whisper.

Enamoured eyes gazed back. "I'm not sure... I'm sorry." He apologized quietly before taking my mouth in a fierce kiss.

Despite the many protesting thoughts running through my drug addled brain, I let James take me with passionate vigor. It wasn't as though I could help it. His very touch had my body humming and taunt as a bow string. Demanding and possessive as the drug forced him to be, he was as gentle as his arousal would allow. It was still painful when he deflowered me and I clung to him, whimpering even as I encouraged his actions.

"Oh Merlin!" His cries filled the room. "I'm sorry... so sorry...oh...oh Lily, don't hate me... yes... yes, yes **yes**... you feel so good... I'm sorry... oh Lily, love you... so much... so much... **forgive** me..."

When I came, I felt my body would shatter from the intensity. James wasn't any better as he shouted his victory to the wizards of old. I think we might have set the window dressings to smolder. Afterward we both seemed to black out... a side affect of the drug I'm sure... and didn't regain consciousness til morning. I was first to wake, enjoying a blissful moment of ignorance before memories of the night came crashing back. Beside me James slept on looking thoroughly debauched. Quickly I leaped out of bed and dressed, not caring if he woke in the midst of my flight. After haphardly throwing my clothes on, for a full minute I stood by his sleeping form with my wand pointed at his temple. My mind was in conflict, part of me wanting to hex him into another realm while the other (the part that still cared for him deeply) had already forgiven his transgressions, misguided as they were. In silent contemplation, I left.

Later on Alice would berate me for taking off without so much as a goodbye. She wondered where I had gone when I left the party... I didn't tell her. James owled me yet another apology a week after.

_Dearest Lily_

_You no doubt want nothing more to do with me and I wouldn't blame you for throwing this into the fire without being opened. I don't deserve to be heard and I certainly don't deserve you. As a wife or a friend._

_It was a low grade aphrodisiac... at least that's what the potions vendor who sold it to me said. I don't know what I was thinking. It could have been poison... I could have killed us both. As it is I feel my actions have already taken us to a place from which we'll never return. _

_I have no other explanation other than I love and wanted you. Pathetic really. I wasn't even certain I would use it. It was a sad last ditch effort to get you back. What I've done is unforgiveable. I've robbed you of something that no one has any right to take. Something that should have been given freely... and to someone far more worthy than myself. _

_I don't regret being with you Lily... only the circumstances. And the fact that I've lost a friendship with the dearest woman I'll ever know. I know I asked you to forgive me but I don't expect it. I'm not sure I can even forgive myself._

_I love you Lily and I wish you well. _

_Humbly yours,_

_James_

**That**was a dismal Summer.


End file.
